A Monkey's Uncle

by r

I think there's still talent in them thar hills. Not everyone's a sell out. But if important, big named directors do it, cross the line for some sort of kitschy thrill, what does the future hold?

I can't understand why, with all the original material oozing outta books and screenplays, anyone of stature in movieland these days would decide to do a remake. Outside the obvious choices—it's easier to film a successful blueprint, it'll make a lotta cash—why even lower yourself to do it? It never works, and it's almost always a great disappointment to the original fans. So why, T.B., with all those newfangled concepts floating around our universe, did you decide to do another Planet of The Apes? Where's your imagination?

One of Hollywood's best and brightest, a dark conceptual guru, a real art director's director with a wonderfully twisted perspective that has spun such peculiar tales as Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare before Christmas and Ed Wood, and this is what you give your devotees? Even if it was an original story and you fell on your creative tushie, hey—better that than mucking up a sci-fi classic. I don't understand it.

I know so many writers, struggling to get their work realized that it's a sin to pass them by for some sort of bogus homage. All those ideas and words going to waste while the big boys prove to us, once again, that everyone has their price; that is, of course, Hollywood, plain and simple. What a load of tinsel town crap! I think there's still talent in them thar hills. Not everyone's a sell out. But if important, big named directors do it, cross the line for some sort of kitschy thrill, what does the future hold? Remakes of ALL the classics?

It certainly isn't fun to watch the gilded spin either, especially when the elite media turns the rose-colored spotlight on it, rubs it in our faces to keep the money flowing proper. It's cover stories, TV news features, and photo ops galore, and damn near smeared everywhere the buck could buy it and still it panned out to be a mediocre film. The whole thing was so discomforting, while the kiddies dug it all—to the tune of 69 million—so there! That's why only a handful of concepts ever get produced: because if it sells, really tips the box office, who gives a rat's a** about integrity? Honestly, I paid my money just like the rest of 'em, added to the till. So that's that then, the almighty buck wins again. Some distant voice chanting in my ears, c'mon, I told you so.

Like or hate the remake, the message is loud and clear: they're here to stay so get off our backs. Don't go see 'em. Stay away if you wanna. There's nothing you can do. We'll keep on making them, faster, with superior budgets and even bigger directors to legitimize the swill. Nothing's safe, nothing's sacred. Every few months we'll take another classic, give it a multimillion green buck transfusion, a star studded facelift, promote it like it's the savior's comeback because it pays off big time, pal!

M'god, I'm so naïve. To think that classics are untouchable, that creative folks in LA-LA land will leave well enough alone. What planet are we on? Planet of the Apes I reckon, 'cause I'm just a chimp, a big gorilla, in short, a monkey's uncle.