Artisan Home Entertainment presents

Miami Models (1994)

Girl #1: You've never modeled before?
Girl #2: Nooooooo.
Girl #1: That's all right, we'll teach you, right girls?
Additional Girls: (Assorted vacuous giggling)
- nameless actresses (identities withheld so they might work again)

Stars: Jeff Mustard, Gregory Van Dam, Christine Jakobi, Ute WeigelJennifer Langdon, Marita Makonnen, Kelly Rizzo
Other Stars: P.C. Martinez, Gregg Hood, Chris Djakian, Jeff Gawley, Alain De Grelle, Joe L. Stone, Danny Nweeia
Director: Paul Madden

Manufacturer: Care Ware
MPAA Rating: Not Rated for (language, nudity, sexual situations, crude humor)
Run Time: 01h:30m:37s
Release Date: 2003-09-23
Genre: comedy

Style Grade	Substance Grade	Image Transfer Grade	Audio Transfer Grade	Extras Grade
D-	D-	B-	B-	D-

 

DVD Review

In my favorite Mel Brooks movie, High Anxiety, there's a gut-busting scene involving character actor Dick Van Patten. Somehow trapped inside his car, the dashboard stereo suddenly takes on a life of its own. With the volume going way past "11" all on its own, all remnants of the occupant's eardrums are shredded and our cinematic good guy suffers an unjust demise. Now, transfer that scenario to a helpless DVD reviewer forced to witness a so-called comedic sex romp gone so horribly bad that it makes the humor writers at Maxim look like creative geniuses.

Based on an opera by composer Louis Du Pont (this has to be a joke... please, for the love of God, tell me it is a joke!), Miami Models is an excruciatingly painful, laugh strained, annoying bully of a movie that wants so badly to please along the lines of Andy Sidaris fare. Instead, it leaves such a bad aftertaste that I'm seriously contemplating a nationwide movement to call for the re-evaluation of the works of Ed Wood.

As best as I can remember or ascertain, the plot involves a disgruntled chauffer who takes to the land of Ocean Drive in Miami to pay a surprise visit to his college-age son who's working as an assistant for a modeling agency. Turns out Sonny Jim is suffering gig aggravations in much the same fashion as his old man. So they both come up with a brilliant idea: Why not start up their very own modeling agency? Yeah, that'll show their underpaying, obnoxious scumbag bosses! Our "uproarious" leads go off to the local airport where they await the arrival of gorgeous babes and offer them rides into Beach City. (Isn't this why they invented stalker laws?)

All right, I know. Perhaps I'm being a little too rough on this type of film; I mean, we're not talking Renoir's Grand Illusion here. Movies like Miami Models exist solely for the titillation factor, not to stimulate all parts of your brain. However, it doesn't even rise to that level of enjoyment, not even after the easy on the eyes female contingent dominates the second half (saving us from further harm from the humor-challenged father-son team). Although it's probably difficult to accomplish in a "seen-it-all" era such as ours, there was a period when exploitation (or shall we call them sexploitation?) movies could function on both the stimulation and wit levels (Jack Hill's Swinging Cheerleaders, Foxy Brown), but such qualities are nowhere to be found in this train wreck of creative ineptitude.

Rating for Style: D-
Rating for Substance: D-

 

Image Transfer

	One
Aspect Ratio	1.33:1 - Full Frame
Original Aspect Ratio	yes
Anamorphic	yes

Image Transfer Review: An almost typical Artisan transfer with the usual hallmarks of compression and grain, but not too annoying. Colors are fairly consistent, although there are moments when iffy fleshtones come into play, but these are issues with the film itself and not the digital presentation.

Image Transfer Grade: B-
 

Audio Transfer

	Language	Remote Access
DS 2.0	English	yes

Audio Transfer Review: Average is the word for this mix. Adequate separation, bass levels acceptable, but in all honesty, the end result is reminiscent of portable FM radio circa 1989.

Audio Transfer Grade: B- 

Disc Extras

Static menu
Scene Access with 10 cues
1 Disc
1-Sided disc(s)
Layers: single

Extras Review: Models did accomplish one thing on a positive level for me. At least there were no menus on this disc to navigate, which enabled me to save about 20-30 seconds of my time.

Extras Grade: D-
 

Final Comments

If all you want is to gawk at scantily (and sometimes un-scantily) clad beach honeys for 90 minutes, you should not hesitate in making a run for Miami Models.

Jeff Rosado 2003-11-10