Sony Pictures Home Entertainment presents

Monster High (1989)

"Thanks. It's nice to know you're thinking of me."- Candace Cain (Diana Frank)

Stars: Dean Iandoli, Diana Frank, David Marriott
Other Stars: D.J. Kerzner, Robert M. Lind, Sean Haines, David Fuhrer
Director: Rudiger Poe

MPAA Rating: R for (adult situations, adult language, nudity)
Run Time: 01h:23m:55s
Release Date: 2005-10-04
Genre: horror

Style Grade	Substance Grade	Image Transfer Grade	Audio Transfer Grade	Extras Grade
F	F	D-	D-	D-

 

DVD Review

Hokey, low-budget horror comedies have been around for years, many of which are still considered guilty pleasures by many. A ton of these films, including Teen Wolf, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, and Critters, were released in the '80s. I'm not sure why these flicks were so popular in the era of big hair and questionable music taste, but for every tolerable horror comedy, there was an absolute stinker. One such piece of toxic celluloid waste is 1989's Monster High.

Heaven help the poor souls who have actually seen Monster High, as it just might be my new selection for the worst film ever made. We know we're in for a complete joke when even the narrator sounds like someone you'd see as a field reporter on your local evening newscast. Then, after the equally, and difficult to watch prologue, we are taken through the end credits with a song that simply has to be heard to be believed. By 1989, filmmakers pretty much knew what constituted a campy good time at the movies. Apparently, those responsible, (and I mean that in the most negative sense of the word) for this debacle didn't have a clue as to how to make something even partially watchable.

Even though most of you are going to give up before the opening credits are over, the sorry excuse for a story follows the Monster-in-Charge (Bob Cady) and his evil plot to destroy the Earth. When he learns that this destruction has been delayed, Monster-in-Charge watches how Mr. Armageddon (David Marriot) was responsible. Mr. Armageddon began the destruction process at Montgomery Sterling High, where he encountered all of the high school clichés, from a geek named Norm Median (Dean Iandoli), who's in love with the beautiful Candace Cain (Diana Frank), to the jocks and other groups that roam the halls.

After Mr. Armageddon gets to the school and the main characters are introduced, I had no idea where the story was going or what was even happening on the screen. Not that the images are blurry (we'll get to the awful video transfer later), but the rest of the film consists of random set pieces, with people just kind of wandering around aimlessly while shots of women's breasts, and other bits of gratuitous nudity shows up.

The writers of Monster High have also single-handedly set word play back about 100 years. Just about every other line is some form of sexual innuendo, or groan-inducing pun. Just about the only good thing about this dialogue is that it makes you forget just how lost you are in trying to follow their "story."

By the end of Monster High, you're going to want to hunt down the narrator and yell at her, make sure you never see another film by any of the cast and crew involved with this, and try and invent some kind of memory erasing mechanism so you can wipe this nightmare of a cinematic experience from your brain. Sure, the shameless nudity might appeal to some out there, but do yourself a favor and check out a film with both a story and some skin. Actually, you can pretty much go to your video store, close your eyes, and point randomly at a shelf, since whatever your finger lands on is going to be miles above the quality of Monster High.

Rating for Style: F
Rating for Substance: F

 

Image Transfer

	One
Aspect Ratio	1.33:1 - Full Frame
Original Aspect Ratio	yes
Anamorphic	no

Image Transfer Review: This full frame presentation is full of problems. The colors are washed out and dull, images are as soft as can be, and contrast and shadow levels that are all over the place. There's also a ton of dirt and grain that make things even worse.

Image Transfer Grade: D-
 

Audio Transfer

	Language	Remote Access
Mono	English	no

Audio Transfer Review: The mono audio is equally atrocious, with the horrible narration difficult to hear at times, as it is often drowned out by the horrid music. Many of the audio aspects seem to blend together, keeping the incoherent plot on a tailspin, as it's often hard to tell which actor is speaking during a given scene.

Audio Transfer Grade: D- 

Disc Extras

Static menu
Scene Access with 12 cues and remote access
Subtitles/Captions in English, Japanese with remote access
6 Other Trailer(s) featuring Boogeyman, Devour, Kingdom Hospital, Vampires: The Turning, Frankenfish, Chupacabra Terror
Packaging: Keep Case
Picture Disc
1 Disc
1-Sided disc(s)
Layers: single

Extras Review: The only extras are a collection of previews for other Sony Pictures Home Entertainment releases.

Extras Grade: D-
 

Final Comments

When a picture isn't even worthy of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, no one should even give it a chance. Monster High is just such a picture, and it's unfortunate that Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has made this junk easily available on DVD. The technical aspects of the disc are just as bad as the film, with the audio and video decidedly sub par, and a near complete lack of extras.

Chuck Aliaga 2005-12-14